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Maybe this will let something loose inside of me and I will find a part of myself again that I thought that I had lost.

Maybe the place where all the words are hiding will open up and I will be able to write again, the way I used to when the words and stories would just appear in my head and the characters would start walking off on their own and I would just be typing furiously just to follow them into the story they were making.

Maybe it is easier this time because I have been here before and this time it is shorter road to peace. For me at least. I still ache with the hurt that this will cause my little boy, but I am trying to have a little faith in him right now that he will weather this storm better than I imagine. At least in the long run.

But when he is sleeping and I start looking back, farther and farther now, I remember that there were things that I was before I was a wife and a mother. There were things that I will never be again because they were truly awful, but there are also things that I was that I loved loved loved about myself. And I was alone when I was all of those things, and it didn't matter. I was okay. Some days I bordered on fabulous.

I don't regret this past year that I tried to put my marriage back together, even if it didn't work. I am in a better place than I was last year. I think we all are. I know that things will probably get worse before they start to get better and that there will be a lot of adjustments for everyone involved, but I have let go of a lot of the anger that I was holding on to and I would like to think that I just might be a better person by the time I get to the other side of this.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
naiad8
Jan. 28th, 2011 04:25 am (UTC)
*hugs*

a wonderful attitude. love yourself and love your boy. he will be just fine with you as his mom!
aggiebell90
Jan. 28th, 2011 04:45 am (UTC)
*hugs* I've been thinking about y'all a lot lately.
jandjsalmon
Jan. 28th, 2011 05:37 am (UTC)
This is why you were given this year. To find yourself I think.

ALSO Max was given this year to grow closer to Dave. Even though his parents won't be together - this year will definitely mean something to a boy with both parents who love him.

I'm thinking about you both and praying for you always. *hugs*
cyclonejuliet
Jan. 29th, 2011 11:10 am (UTC)
hugs
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )